The Barometer Online

Issue date: 5/17/07 Section: Forum

We are a social species. It is in our genes; we survive not by having claws or fangs, speed or stealth, but by cooperating. Throughout our lives so many touch our hearts, and it is these intimate relationships that give us the chance to express ourselves, to go deeply into ourselves, and to feel safe sharing what we see and feel with others. It is these same relationships that are the most challenging. We can learn and love more intensely with the people that are closest to us, but these same people can hurt us more acutely.

How can we be open and fearless in the face of so much potential to be hurt? We have all experienced the pain and the joy of close relationships. Maybe your parents were messed up and abusive, or simply were too busy, or oblivious and unable to be present with you growing up, but you still love them and want to heal hurts and bridge the gap of trust between you. Maybe you had a girlfriend or boyfriend who you loved so deeply that you couldn't imagine life without them, or who you trusted so much and then were hurt by, and you wonder how you can move on, how you can feel safe being open and close again. Whatever the circumstances, we have all had experiences with being open and having this vulnerability end up causing pain. It seems that life truly is an endless learning experience and that the path to healing lies in seeing the lessons imbedded in every moment. Often the moments that are most painful and confusing hold the greatest lessons, and can teach us the most about who we truly are and what we want our life to be.

The truest wisdom I know is that I will probably never grasp everything there is to understand about the world or human relationships; perhaps all I can hope to know is me and what I want for myself, and opportunities for learning more and understanding more deeply come everyday and will never stop coming. There is always more to learn because life is not static; the context of our life continuously changes, and what we want changes as we age and come to see the world and ourselves in different lights. I have been thinking a lot about this lately, about what I need to bring to my intimate relationships, and about what I want these relationships to be like, and I want to share some of my thoughts.

I need patience. I need to be able to see that while what I want is important and deserves to be addressed, sometimes people are not ready when I am, they need more time to process, or are just too busy with other stuff. It is not disrespectful for someone to not want to deal with what I am asking to be addressed. Sometimes patience is required, and sometimes I must simply recognize that what I am asking is something that someone else cannot give.

I need self-respect. I need to be clear with myself about what I want and need, and to recognize that getting these things is ultimately my responsibility. It is setting boundaries within and lovingly enforcing them without, it is not displacing responsibility onto others to give me the respect I deserve. Respect is the gift we give ourselves, and if I give it generously and consistently, it is seen that this is how I live, that this is what I ask of myself, and others will naturally begin to treat me the way I treat myself.

Perhaps most importantly, I need emotional self-reliance. This means not needing others to hear me or comfort me, to be able to go within and find the support and understanding that I need.

While I am justified in asking and wanting to be heard and supported, I am not justified in demanding this from anyone besides myself.

By bringing these types if qualities to our intimate relationships, we allow them to be expressed in our interactions. By entering into new relationships or transforming old ones with self-awareness and self love, we can increase our chances of learning from the inevitable challenges that arise from being close to others. Two things that I think intimate relationships must have are honesty and love.

We must be able to be open and truthful, able to communicate clearly and without fear. We must learn to get angry, be threatened, be hurt, but still maintain a knowing that we care about each other and are working towards a mutually desirable goal, i.e. reaching an agreement, or understanding that we don't have to agree with each other's perspective in order to see them as valid and important. We must be able to work through fears and resentments, in the process purging these poisons.

We must love. I feel love and I want to share it. I don't mean sexual love, I mean affection, respect, compassion, all the things that are a part of love. I don't need to box myself in to a narrow range of ways to express my love; I can share my love in many ways. I do need to share it, but I don't need to have my actions responded to as expressions of love, because I know that this is what they are. Love is dynamic and evolving, and one must recognize that when people love each other, nearly all actions, even stuff like fighting or ignoring, is at root an expression of love.

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Robert Sanchez is a sophomore in natural resources. The opinions expressed in his columns, which appear every Thursday, do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Daily Barometer staff. Sanchez can be reached at forum@dailybarometer.com.

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