Alex re-evaluates religion: Rev. Shawn in the Quad

By: Alex McElroy

Posted: 12/5/08

I've finally found a denomination! I'm a Tweenonite!

Or so says Reverend Shawn, though he may have been talking about someone else, because as I walked away after telling him my name twice, he shouted, "Eric here just told me he's caught between religions."

I returned half an hour later and found Shawn arguing with a student over the legitimacy of evolution. The reverend held his defense on a 3 by 3 foot sign: Evolution is a lie. He had a few signs surrounding his small perch, a cement boundary at the entrance to the library's courtyard, and flashed them depending on his situation: What is the truth, Shawn? Oh, that's right, Jesus is the truth!

He handed me a gospel before I initially left, and after returning, I read it as he spoke. The index-card-sized message gave details regarding his message. See, Shawn believed that I was a sinner, because sometimes I find girls attractive - even though we aren't married! - and because of that time I wrote the correct spelling of remember on my chubby, pre-pubescent palm before a test. According to the reverend, these two acts alone had made me a sinner in His eyes, because it doesn't matter how small the crime is, God is going to catch us for making it.

But Shawn wouldn't have come to campus without a solution; we'd have run him out of town. Luckily, there's this thing called grace that allows us to repent, beg forgiveness from God and promise that we will never, ever sin again. What a relief! Here I thought all those babies I'd aborted and men I'd unionized were going to be at the top of St. Peter's checklist, far outweighing the Ben Franklin I'd wave in front of his halo.

But, wait, what's that Shawn? You say I can't repent on my death bed.

"Why not?"

(Trombone sound)

"Really? You mean God will know if it isn't a true repentance. Well, golly Shawn, I better accept Jesus's word."

And Reverend Shawn was so educated - he'd read the Quran. He knew so much about Islam that he chose to skip its Pillars of Faith, saying that Muslims believed Christians were infidels and deserved to have their heads cut off. Before that moment, it had been years since I'd pictured a Muslim man with an unkempt beard and flailing tongue, sprinting at a Christian, his knife pointing forward like a flashlight. My vocabulary must've been wrong, but thank - well, you know - for Shawn's presentation, because before it I was positive that those people were called terrorists, not Muslims. But Shawn's the one with the signs and business cards, so he has to be less ignorant than me.

But the best thing about him was his openness to other religions. Instead of cutting people of when they inquired with dissenting opinions, he let them finish their thoughts, and even came back to them sometimes. To him, it didn't matter what we believed, all that mattered was what he believed. If that's not tolerance, then color me Purple Mountain's Prejudiced. He had to have known his attempts were futile; we're in college. Preaching to students about the dangers of premarital sex and moral standards is like telling a blind person it's sunny. He tried to scare us by bringing up our souls and their hell-bound trajectory, but I long ago lost my soul in a game of HORSE - I didn't want an E - and I bet most of crowd gambled it away in fiddle-offs or watched it sneeze away as they patiently waited for a classmate's "bless you."

But I don't think he was there to convert any of us - though I did have to leave for class; he may have led the crowd to the Willamette for baptisms. Most likely, he was there to do what he did: argue. God was what changed his life, and he was sure that all of us cared. But we didn't; we had classes to get to and neighbor's wives to covet.

He did get half of what he wanted: the lively crowd yelling at him. Shawn may not be a bad person, and he may not be argumentative, but he labeled himself as both when he decided to spread The Word while standing before a crowd of bystanders. People don't want to be forced to convert; we want to do it because the new denomination requires less tax-paying or missionaries are making promises they expect God to keep.

But Shawn needn't heed my advice; he's probably already at another college, passive-aggressively mocking students who flip him off, claiming that he wants them to stay. But the reverend is just like any slick-talking salesman. He knows to repeat ambiguous testimonials when challenged with rival products - "Evolution may be on your timeline, but God is older than time." It takes a certain type of man to peddle the popular merchandise known as religion. Usually these men reserve their practice for Sunday mornings, but Shawn couldn't wait; the obviously noxious future he predicted needed to be prepared for immediately.

Alex McElroy

diversions@dailybarometer.com