Arbitrary Argument: Faux Hawk vs. Blow Out

You decide: two different hair styles, two different personas to uphold

By: Ruben Casas and Alex McElroy

Posted: 5/9/08

Faux Hawk

It wasn't might. It wasn't valor. It was good hair that made the Spartans winning warriors.

The story goes like this: At the age of 7, the male child is placed in the care of the state for the purpose of making him a warrior. Under the agoge system, the boy will be taught to dance, hunt, fight. He will be emotionally and spiritually reared. And he will learn military strategy and loyalty, specifically the homosocial kind.

Oiled-down athletic competitions and faux-hawks are, therefore, central to this training. "With this, or upon this," Spartan wives tell their strapping husbands as they hand them their shields to go off into battle. (Interesting factoid: Spartans married at 20 but weren't allowed to cohabit until 30; the hoplite had to steal away at night to visit his wife, who, until discharge 10 years later, kept her head shaved and dressed in male clothing).

Throwing your shield at the enemy and running like a coward is punishable by death or banishment because, unlike other pieces of armor which are designed to protect the individual, the shield is meant to protect you and your homoi (equal) fighting alongside you.

So there's the shield, the oiled bodies, the man-affection and the faux-hawk (which is traded in for the towering blood-red mo-hawk in the heat of battle) to credit for Spartan prowess in war. Who would have thought that a regular work-out schedule and good hair would make such an impressive mark on history?

Maybe this is what's behind Ryan Seacrest's success in his current campaign to take over the world annoyingly: he's following the Spartan formula to the tee - and the donning of the faux-hawk in the latest season of "American Idol" is surely the last step in his fail-proof plan.

Sure, there are other flashy attempts at making history with good hair, but none have been clinically proven to work as well as the faux-hawk has. Take the "blowout," for example.

First of all, the blowout has minor history - if that - in that it originated in Brooklyn sometime this century - let's say June 7, 2002 at 8:39 p.m. In any case, what's so impressive about Brooklyn? Outside of Park Slope there's hardly anything socially subversive going on there, and even then, the closest things resembling Spartan values are the lesbian couples pushing along their baby. (Okay, Fischerspooner is pretty darned cool, I admit, partly because they don't do the blowout.) Maybe this is why the blowout is aptly nicknamed "The Brooklyn Poser."

It's hard to imagine a Spartan hoplite running into battle with a ridiculous glob of hair-and-product weighing him down, stinging his eyes. Actually, it's just hard to imagine a Spartan making such a poor choice in personal grooming, period.

Blowout

The faux-hawk is the most over popularized obsession since the news of David Beckham's LA Galaxy arrival. In fact, it is Becks who can be credited with starting the trend. And we all know how his attempt to make soccer popular in the U.S. went. So why should we jump on his bandwagon now? And don't tell me abs of steel, boyish good looks and the voice of a 10-year-old girl (YouTube an interview - it's hilarious), because those are the reasons to buy someone's jersey, not steal his hairstyle.

But if you're looking for a haircut with staying power, the one that is not only up your alley, but up in the air, pass on the faux-hawk (really, even the name implies phoniness) and try out the blowout.

What better way is there to use up an entire bottle of Dep 9 than by emptying it onto your head and pulling up on your follicles till you resemble a blowfish ready to attack? That's the thing about a blowout: it lets the woman at your side (and the women in your line of sight, you sly dog, you) that you have a defense mechanism should anything go awry thanks to that tough-talkin' 'tude that comes standard with a blowout.

But what about the time and effort that go into forming the blowout, you ask? When one looks at the correlation studies done on blowout vs. faux-hawk preparation time, the verdict is simple: an exorbitant amount of time is being wasted staring into a mirror. So why not spend that time creating a blowout, rich with miniature stalagmites protruding from your scalp?

And if you're worried about messing up your freshly gelled hair when you put a shirt on, just follow the primary rule of dressing with a blowout: always wear clothing with large head openings, i.e. wife-beaters, half-zipped track jackets or unbuttoned, collar-popped polo shirts. Even if you are stuck wearing a different form of shirt (maybe an Abercrombie t-shirt that you "accidentally" bought two sizes too small), the gel will easily hold your style in place.

Now, I know some of you still aren't sold. You're out there screaming, "Alex! Alex! All the hot movie stars like Elijah Wood and Jude Law wear faux-hawks. Doesn't that mean I should too?" Yeah, well, the hot movie stars also date beautiful Colombian swimsuit models and take holidays in the Greek Isles, but I don't see many college students doing that, now do I? Plus, Elijah Wood's biggest role was as a 4-foot-tall, hairy-footed, ring-obsessed Hobbit who accepts jewelry from old men. And Jude Law is a whole different story. Let's just say that you shouldn't take style advice from someone who passes on Sienna Miller for a ho-hum nanny.

Hopefully everyone will come to their senses and make the right decisions the next time they sit in the loud vinyl chair to get themselves a cut and a clip.

In case you're still having trouble deciding which haircut is right for you, I made a little rhyme for you to recite while doing your hair before going out to a party: "Don't give yourself a faux-hawk, cause it's nothing but a c--k-block. But arm yourself with a blowout, and you're all ready to go out. "

Ruben Casas & Alex McElroy

diversions@dailybarometer.com