Changes during a relationship

By: Kathy Greaves

Posted: 5/1/08

Dear Dr. Sex,

When I have rear entry (doggy style) sex with my boyfriend after I have had an orgasm, I noticed that my PC muscles get super tense. It can almost be to the point where it is painful. Any other position is not as bad, but doggy style is. Do you know why this occurs?

Signed, Tense Down Below

Dear Tense Down Below,

The PC (pubococcygeus) muscle stretches from the pubic bone to the tailbone and it contracts during orgasm. My guess is that it is still contracted and rear entry style somehow pushes on that muscle more so than front entry. My only suggestion is to stick to some front entry position until that muscle has had a chance to relax and then move "back" to rear entry.

Dear Dr. Sex,

My boyfriend of three years has two homosexual relatives. Sometimes I think my boyfriend seems to have a pretty low sex drive, but that might be the stereotype of what males are supposed to be like. Because of this, I sometimes wonder if he is going to be gay or not. It scares me to think about possibly losing him, and I wish I could stop thinking about whether he will follow in the footsteps of the rest of his family. He says that he could possibly become gay someday, but that he thinks it's highly unlikely. Do you think I should just stop thinking about it and relax?

Signed, Is My Boyfriend Going to Turn Gay?

Dear Is My Boyfriend Going to Turn Gay?

The research suggests that there does seem to be some genetic component to homosexuality, but exactly what it is still is not understood. It sounds like what you are afraid of is that at some point in adulthood, your boyfriend will begin identifying as homosexual when previously he always identified as heterosexual.

Most of the research suggests that an individual doesn't "become" homosexual at some point in his or her life. They just decide to accept their homosexuality at that point. What is likely going on here is that the individual was always homosexual, but either didn't recognize it or was denying it.

So in your boyfriend's case, if he is gay, he needs to come to terms with that in his own time.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to hasten that process along. If he thinks "he could possibly become gay someday," I suggest that you encourage him to explore his sexuality in more depth. Don't push the issue, just suggest it. It isn't doing anyone any good for him to be living a lie if he does happen to be gay. If not, it can't hurt to have a clearer sense of one's sexuality.

In the meantime, you can be supportive and make sure he knows that whoever he is, you will always care about him. Even if he does come to the conclusion that he is gay, you won't lose him entirely. He obviously won't be your boyfriend anymore, but he certainly can still be your good friend.

Dear Dr. Sex,

When people enter a sexual relationship, does the amount of masturbation fluctuate for males and females? Do women end up masturbating much less, but men the same amount? Is it bad if people in sexual relationships maintain the same amount of masturbation?

Signed, Relationship Wonderer

Dear Relationship Wonderer,

In the context of a relationship, some people continue to masturbate at the same rate as they did prior to the relationship, while the rate for others drops dramatically. Some individuals masturbate when their partner isn't interested in sex, while others don't masturbate but simply wait for their partner to become interested.

Some couples masturbate in front of each other as part of their partnered sexual activities. The bottom line is if people in sexual relationships maintain the same amount of masturbation as they did prior to that relationship, it is only "bad" if they are doing that because their partner isn't satisfying them, but they don't know how to talk about it.

Kathy Greaves Ph.D., is a senior instructor at OSU in the department of human development and family sciences. The opinions expressed in her columns do not necessarily represent the views of the Daily Barometer staff. Greaves can be reached at kathy.greaves@oregonstate.edu or by placing questions in the box at the MU information desk. All questions submitted to Greaves are subject to being answered in her Dr. Sex column.