Randomonium

By: Ruben Casas

Posted: 5/16/08

That President Bush finally and definitively proved that he has no capacity for irony goes in the Things That Are True pile, given the interview he did last week with Yahoo.com. The president said he quit playing golf in 2003 because he doesn't want for "some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in chief playing golf."

There are lots of ways to show respect for the families of American solders fighting in Iraq. It never would have struck me that denying yourself a round or two of golf was one of them. But if this is how the commander in chief shows his respect, then how do you and I do it? (Because a yellow bow tied around the oak in your front yard isn't all that noticeable or original.)

Well, because not playing golf is already taken (and let me tell you, you do not want to come home to a cease-and-desist notice from the federal government in your mailbox), there are these lesser, but still suitable options: Not wearing sunglasses on sunny days, not using an umbrella on rainy days, canceling your Netflix account... If you're really serious about showing some respect, you could even give up Rob and Big.

Ladies, take heart: In the Things That Might Be True stack goes the unveiling of a solar-power electric bra that produces enough energy to power your iPod, a mobile phone and maybe even your blow dryer. The answer to the most impending question in your life right now - "How do I maintain my image while being environmentally conscious?" - is the Solar Power Bra, courtesy of Triumph International Japan Ltd. The ladies' undergarment maker is also responsible for the bra that can be used as a reusable shopping bag (as to how much groceries you're able to fit into it depends on the person wearing it) and the bra that features metal chopsticks, meant to encourage people to re-use their eating utensils. The brassiere line is all green, which is sure to be a conversation piece (in case the going doesn't get good). So there - you CAN save the planet by wearing (kind of sexy) lingerie.

A "fair and speedy trial," when the federal government is the defendant, is something you can be sure goes into the Things That Aren't True At All heap - and never mind the numerous countersuits that have arisen since the beginning of the War on Terror. Here's one that is completely home-grown (as if terror wasn't): "A discrimination lawsuit filed by African-American employees against the Secret Service has dragged on for more than eight years, prompting the plaintiffs to accuse the government's lawyers of dragging their feet," reports Bonnie Goldstein on Slate.com.

But hey, who can blame the feds. I mean, would you want e-mails that you've written in which you - the assistant director of the Office of Government Liaison and Public Affairs - use imaginary worlds from a "fifth grade Ebonics assignment," or in which you joke about killing Jesse Jackson, or about painting robotic golf caddies black to observe that they then "didn't show up for work… filed for welfare and… robbed the pro shop." Heck, if I wrote these e-mails and sent them out to at least 20 of my high-ranking colleagues, I wouldn't want them introduced into a court of law either, so maybe eight years isn't that bad when we consider how long the government typically takes to fess up to all its deeds.

Ruben Casas

diversions@dailybarometer.com