Talk dirty to me

By: Rose Hansen

Posted: 11/18/08

From the beginning, we're taught that the basics of a healthy relationship are trust, honesty and communication. Communicating is what guides you through the good, the hard and the seemingly self-deprecating stuff - I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry. Similarly, the formula for healthy sex is similar to what equates a healthy relationship, and communication is key.

Telling someone what you want sounds easy, but for some reason it's not, especially when you're between the sheets. Sex is awkward enough to begin with. All the pressure about how you look naked, whether or not you're pleasing them, the noises the body makes when air gets trapped down there … it's a lot to think about.

So you can imagine my surprise when I was still new to sex and my then-boyfriend casually mentioned that dirty talk turned him on. I didn't even know what dirty talk really meant, and I was too shy to ask. It took me weeks to ball up the courage to finally tell him, mid-deed, the filthiest string of words I could imagine.

He sat straight up and shook my shoulders, crying, "What did you just say? What did you just say? Say it again. Say it again!"

It's a funny memory, but it's also a significant one. It was my first "sexual" conversation, something beyond the critical but clinical "are you sure you're ready/did you bring a condom/was it good for you" stuff.

It's been a while since then, and thankfully, I've gotten a better grasp of the naughty language. When it comes to alternative pillow talk, I separate it into four categories: affirmative, instructional, soft dirty and raunchy.

Affirmative:

If you want to add some spice to your sex by including a few naughty words, hopefully you're already making some noise during the act. Unless it's necessary, quiet sex is bad sex. Feedback is an essential element to quality. If I'm not hearing something or I'm not inclined to make any noise, then something is wrong.

If you don't know your partner that well or you're not sure how to proceed, take it slow. I once worked with a guy who considered "oh, oh, oh" to be the hottest kind of dirty talk out there. The definitions are different for everyone. "Dirty" to one person might be vanilla to you, or downright nasty. Words like yes, harder, faster, deeper, and calling the person by name (not someone else's) are good places to start.

Don't assume being affirmative in bed means being a cheerleader. Going chihuahua or sounding like a porn star is a little much for a newbie. Something as simple as a few "oh's … " and "mmm's … " can really amp the tension, and more importantly, it tells your partner that he or she is making you feel good and shouldn't stop.

Instructional:

Instructional feedback is saying what you want and how you want it. Its subtlety can vary from "That hurts," to "It makes me feel so ______ when you ______," to "I want your (adjectives work nicely here) ______ on/in my ______." I use it when they're doing something that doesn't feel right and I want them to change their technique. Unless you've got a partner who's sensitive, don't worry about using accurate terminology in these situations. There are much sexier ways to say words like intercourse, penetrate, orgasm, penis and vagina. Sounding like a professor when you're doing the deed is creepy. Use your imagination.

Soft-Dirty:

Soft-dirty tiptoes on borderline offensive, and it's where the real fun starts. This is when you start using the "bad girl/boy" dialogue. Tell them how dirty they are and how hot it is. Tell them they need to be punished. Usually, this is accompanied by hair pulling, nail digging, biting and spanking.

Soft-dirty is a good level to introduce narrating, too. Never tried it? You're missing out. Describing your actions seems kindergarten-ish, but that's what makes it such a turn on. Of course we know you're touching/licking/kissing our ______, but when said with the right tone and volume, narration is hot, especially if you describe sensations like temperature and pressure.

Want to take it a step further? Drop a bad word, the kind that can't be published here. If you're comfortable enough to push the limits, by all means, do.

Raunchy:

This is the graphic, offensive kind of language you hear in pornography or rap music. Even though it's highly criticized, taboo, you shouldn't be hearing it or saying it, you should be horrifically offended, its explicitness is precisely what makes it so hot.

If you're a "Sex and the City" follower, you'll recall the episode in which Charlotte ends up in bed with a guy who tells her she's "such a dirty (promiscuous heathen), such a dirty (promiscuous tramp)." That kind of talk definitely isn't for everyone, but it's what puts the bang into banging for some people, and you've got to do what feels good.

Of course, dirty talk is also subject to its own inherent faux pas.

Once some people start talking, they can't shut up. Someone from my past was obsessed with talking about how big his penis was. He was a fan of the instructional technique, but hearing about his huge penis over and over again didn't turn me on. It just made me think he was a huge narcissist.

I'm guilty of a few bloopers myself. It's easy to stumble into dangerous territory if you're not careful. When a lover once told me, "I can't wait to feel your hot little body," my automatic mirrored response was, "I can't wait to feel your hot little ****."

Need I say more?

Words add a great dimension to sex, but caution is a must. Safe-words are important. My roommate says "quit it." My safe word is "no" because it's universally understood. If you want them to stop, say no. If it doesn't feel good, say no. If they say something that crosses your personal boundaries, say no.

Appropriate timing and setting are just as crucial to talking dirty as they are to serious discussions about your emotional relationships. It's one thing to be spanked and called a dirty girl in private, quite another to be treated like a street walker in public.

What it all comes down to is getting your point across. Talking dirty is a way to say what you want without sacrificing the momentum of the sex. Plus, it's more fun than the more challenging I love you's, I miss you's and I'm sorry's.

And like learning any language, your fluency gets better with practice. I've had more than my share of awkward, regrettable moments, but I went from accidentally calling my (ex) boyfriend's penis small to later being told, during the act, that everything I said was a turn-on. I thought about testing the limits and saying "oatmeal" or "shoelace," but I didn't. It was a good moment. I considered it a personal milestone, something truly worth cheering over.

Rose Hansen is a junior in recreation resource management. The opinions expressed in her columns do not necessarily represent the opinion of the Daily Barometer staff. Hansen can be reached at forum@dailybarometer.com.