Dominating fantasy, sexual urges

By: Kathy Greaves

Posted: 5/21/08

Dear Dr. Sex,

I have a fantasy about being dominated. I have floated that idea toward my boyfriend of about two months - also my first serious boyfriend - and he is not opposed to a little light bondage. We have done the basics, using scarves to tie my hands above my head, etc. He has allowed me to tie him down and blindfold him. I am interested in pain play and a little more intense scenarios. How do I approach this conversation with my boyfriend? Is this fantasy normal?

-Freaky Fanatic

Dear Freaky Fanatic,

First let me give you some terms and their definitions. What you are currently participating in is called bondage.

Bondage-type acts include being bound, tied up or otherwise restrained during sexual activity. Bondage is considered a type of sexual masochism.

Sexual masochism is sexual arousal and gratification associated with fantasies of or actual acts of being hurt, humiliated or otherwise made to suffer. Sexual masochism is classified as a non-coercive paraphilia.

A paraphilia is any behavior that has the following three characteristics: 1. It is engaged in for the specific purpose of providing sexual arousal or gratification. 2. It tends to be compulsive. 3. Most people would find to be strange, deviant or abnormal.

Sexual masochism is considered non-coercive because those who typically participate usually consent and therefore are not coerced. Thus, you are interested in a specific type of sexual masochism and it is non-coercive because... well, it's your idea.

I'll actually answer your second question first.

This fantasy is not normal. Keep in mind though that something is classified as "normal" simply because it fits within the majority. So you wanting to participate in something that isn't normal just means that it is something that the minority of people may be interested in doing. What it doesn't mean is that it is something bad, immoral or negative. Who's to say that you need to be interested in what everyone else is interested in anyway?

Now, to answer your first and most important question: how do you broach this subject with your boyfriend?

It sounds like you already have good communication with your boyfriend if you've discussed and participated in light bondage. That's a great start. Bringing up sadomasochistic acts could be as easy as, "Hey baby, wanna whip me?"

If that seems too difficult, I'd suggest taking him to an adult store and showing him your interest in some basic masochistic paraphernalia like a whip or nipple clamps. His reaction will make it clear to you whether he's interested in those items and that type of sex play.

Dear Dr. Sex,

I am a 21-year-old male here at OSU. Lately (like the last six months) my sex drive has been in overdrive. When I was around 13 I would masturbate constantly, easily once or more a day, but as time went on that number dropped considerably, as expected.

By freshman and sophomore years of college I could easily go a week or two between sexual release if need be. But as I said, in the past six months the desire to masturbate has reached the levels it was during puberty; if I had the time I could easily orgasm twice or more a day. Is it usual for men to have such an uptick in their sex drive at this age and at such a strong urge?

-Am I Normal?

Dear Am I Normal,

It is actually very normal. If we look at the sexual desire of men aged 18 to 64, we find that sexual desire continually rises until it reaches its peak between the ages of 25 and 29 years. From that point on, it drops gradually.

For those who are curious about the sexual desire of women (I'm sure it's most of you reading this), that looks a bit different, but probably not what you expected.

Women actually have two peaks. The first peak comes between the ages of 22 and 24 (before men peak).

Then between the ages of 25 and 29 (when men are peaking), women's sexual desire goes down.

It is theorized that this drop is due to the demands of childbirth and the raising of infants and toddlers, a common experience for women in this age group.

Between the ages of 30 and 34, women experience an increase in sexual desire, leading to their second peak (when the peak for men is starting to decline). Then, as with men, women's sexual desire begins dropping gradually around age 35.

Another important fact to point out is that even though men and women have peaks at different ages, those differences aren't really that different.

Let me explain. The research that provided these facts positioned sexual desire on a scale of 1 to 9, with 1 being lowest desire and 9 being highest desire.

At any given time, the furthest apart men and women were was only two points on the scale. The lowest number reported by women was by 18- to 19-year-olds (4.5) and the highest number reported by men was for those between the ages of 25 and 29 (6.5).

I'll let you decide how important that two-point difference really is.

The main point I hope you take away from this is that the information flies in the face of the common conception that men reach their peak at 18 and women reach theirs at 40.

It doesn't matter if you remember the actual numbers I listed. Just recognize two things: 1. Men's and women's sexual peaks aren't 22 years apart - they are only about five years apart. 2. Because women have two sexual peaks, they actually peak before and after men do.

Kathy Greaves Ph.D., is a senior instructor at OSU in the department of human development and family sciences. The opinions expressed in her columns do not necessarily represent the views of the Daily Barometer staff. Greaves can be reached at kathy.greaves@oregonstate.edu or by placing questions in the box at the MU information desk. All questions submitted to Greaves are subject to being answered in her Dr. Sex column.