Arbitrary Argument: American Holiday Style!

Which National holiday will you choose this week?

By: By Ruben Casas & Alex McElroy

Posted: 5/23/08

Memorial Day

Memorial Day, the last Monday of each May, on which Americans traditionally gather around the grill to remember things they've forgotten, has been relegated to a Macy's store-wide sale. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't get that new two-piece you promised yourself you'd fit into by the second week in June, or that you shouldn't get your dad another golf-themed gift pack that includes a pair of boxers, a tie, socks, tie, pen and pencil set, business car holder, Rolodex, cufflinks, wallet, hip flask and baseball cap advertised at $7.99 in time for Father's Day. In fact, please do these things, but also remember to recall all the memories you've forgotten this year. Have friends over for a barbecue (after you hit the sale) and do it together. Depending on what there was to forget, you'll find that alcohol helps jog the memory.

The first Memorial Day was observed during the American Civil War. On this particular day the teenaged men in the Union Army got together to remember, as accurately as possible, how many women they had promised to come back and marry, how many they had left pregnant, who they really wanted to marry, who they really wanted to get pregnant, and once they made their way through all the Elizabeths, Victorias, Beverlys and Anas, they also remembered that they were fighting to ensure that the population of slaves in the South didn't count toward the number that helped decide how much tax revenue each state got and how many representatives they were able to send to Washington. The Confederacy probably observed a similar holiday when those soldiers remembered that they were fighting for the ability to count all of their slaves, but also for the right to deny them freedom.

Thankfully for you, the extent of your forgotten memories doesn't extend past band camp the summer before your senior year when you got mono from either Kelly or Kyle. You guess it could have been both. So there's that to remember.

Oh, and also how you wanted to do really well this term in all your classes, how you were going to get all your assignments done and in on time, how you were going to study for midterms. Damn. And hadn't you said something about "hittin'" Dixon more often - maybe taking a yoga class? Oh well. Wasn't there something about keeping up with the news, current events? You were going to do less Facebook-stalking and more newspaper reading? Get familiar with the upcoming election, the candidates, the issues - all that? Wait, when was the Oregon primary?

You'll remember all these things this Memorial Day. Heck, maybe you'll have so many things to remember that you'll make a weekend out of it. Macy's will.

The thing is, you can expect to forget these things just as soon as you sign in to your MySpace to look up "that cute guy by the keg that kept looking at me the whole night - yeah, did you see him? Well after I told him to stop, he kept on trying to put his hand up my shirt - I know, creepy huh? - he gave me his number. I'm going to call him for sure. Wait, OMG he has like almost 2,000 friends. That is so cool, right? Okay, should I friend him? Is that weird, you think? Yeah, I'm gonna… Oh my god, look - he has a yellow ribbon on his profile. That is totally cool, finding a guy that, like, cares about stuff. Yeah, totally cool right? I friended him. It would be like totally cool if I hooked up with this guy, I think. I love barbecues. This one was so much fun! What was the occasion - do you remember?"

Labor Day

With Mother's Day just past us and Memorial Day right around the corner, I feel it is right to bring up the holiday that combines the two of them flawlessly: Labor Day. Since Congress declared it an official holiday in 1894, it has been the best way to celebrate the struggle and pain of maternity.

How exactly was the idea for Labor Day conceived? Well, it started the same way we all start: as a twinkle in the eye of the premature Women's Rights Movement.

After failing to earn themselves the right to vote with their constant lobbies, women decided to compromise with the Senate. They weren't given equal wages or respect, but they were given a holiday to celebrate the dilation of their cervixes!

Some out there will tell you that this information is bogus, that Labor Day was formed as an act of the Central Labor Union's desire to make a "day off for the working man." To them I say, "Malarkey." Wikipedia supports that definition as Labor Day, and I've already learned my lesson with Wikipedia. (My apologies yet again to Sinbad's family for the premature condolences I left you.)

I know what you're thinking now: If Labor Day isn't just about a day off from work, then how the heck do I celebrate the darned thing? Well, my friends, the answer is simple: For those who like to celebrate with a day of barbecues in the dwindling summer, just make a few adjustments. You may have to do a little research, but nothing says "great party" like an excessively researched party. Find your birth certificate, track down the doctor who de-uterized you, and ask him how long your birth took. If he doesn't remember who you are, just ask for an arbitrary number. (As long as you do the research, who cares if it's accurate?) After calling him back five to nine times and convincing him that you are indeed serious, write up your invitations.

Now that you know how long it took you to enter into the world, you know how long to celebrate it.

Decorations can be the trickiest detail of Labor Day. I would suggest going to your finest adult shop and requesting their assistance in the formation of helium-inflated balloons with photos of birth-giving - but still classy looking - women. Instead of using streamers, ask your local hospital what they do with the leftover umbilical cords. And of course, be sure to offer all guests epidurals and enemas to make their experience real.

Now, if you're on the other side of the coin, you're either an eagle or a building. Haha, just felt a joke was necessary.

Anyway, when deciding which Labor Day celebration to attend, make sure to choose the right one for you. Your mailbox will fill with invitations during the third trimester of summer and you sure as heck won't be able to attend them all.

Here's some advice: If you're a party animal, attend your rebellious friend's party - if he was a rebel at 45, then he was probably one at 0, refusing to follow what the man wanted him to do and get birthed without a fight. If you're looking to party-hop but not hurt feelings, label your Labor Day antics "C-Day": your attempt to hit every Caesarian section party in the county. If you feel like taking it easy, keep the family in and gather the kids to watch everyone's favorite coming of age family flick, "Knocked Up."

This September, the choice is yours: Do you celebrate Labor Day with those gullible squares who believe the Central Labor Union's lies, or do you commemorate labor as it was meant to be celebrated, with dirty jokes and helium-filled births?

Ruben Casas & Alex McElroy

diversions@dailybarometer.com